I guess we all respond differently to the energy around us. At home the energy is very tense, everyone is always on edge. There's always something we're waiting to happen. At work, where I once had a little respite, it's not any nicer. In fact, it's more negative there than it has ever been.
The last few weeks my stomach has been going crazy. My IBS kicked in big time but I still comfort ate. I still am. I haven't put any weight on, because what I do eat comes right out again. But it isn't doing me any good.
I haven't been able to share anything for a while. My sister is going through a pretty tough time at the moment. She's finally agreed to talk to someone about her epilepsy and how it's affected her. My mum is still the same with it. To the point that this morning when my sister told me she'd had a seizure last night and could we go shopping later, my mum flipped out because my sister never told her last night.
I sometimes, and guiltily so, still think... what about me...
Is that bad of me?
My mum takes me to work in the mornings, it's on her way to my sister's. It's our time to talk... but mum just talks about my sister and her boyfriend and how much she hates him. It's the same in the evenings. I get that he's a complete bastard, but we have to live with it as he is the father of my niece and my sister stresses out even more when we mention anything about him. She knows. I feel bad for her because she's caught in the middle. She's told them it's their fault with their arguing that she's not happy.
When we get home, it turns to my dad, who is also pretty ill right now. Not ill, just in lots of pain and awaiting his hip replacement in April. Another birthday spent visiting someone in hospital. At least he'll be pain free.
I've had a tough month. A tough year even. I just want my mum to ask me if I'm ok and listen to when I tell her I'm not.
...long story short, our plans had to be changed, once again. After a very emotionally draining few months we're back on an even keel.
My Dad's recent trip to hospital turned out to be a hypo. He's started to eat properly now.
My sister's getting better, and less depressed, and enjoying motherhood.
My mum's still holding the weight of the world on her shoulders, but a recent insurance claim, against the bank, means that she doesn't have to panic about money for the time being.
The Mr's job fell through. In the sense that the bastard that gave it to him, didn't have one to give him in the first place. Anywhoooo, it's given us time to focus on visa applications and bits and pieces and we will be spending Christmas and New Year together, in London :)
I've gone for a promotion at work. Which is probably why I'm off sick today because I am completely exhausted. Still, the prep has been done and now I just need to rehearse my presentation for Wednesday. Wish me luck! It's not so much a money thing, but more of a I can do that thing. Here's hoping x
Next week we find out when the Mr is coming finally coming home, for good.
Ecstatic doesn't even come close to how we're both feeling right now.
He'll be staying with us, me and my family, until we find our own place to stay. Needless to say I need to clear some space for him. I don't own a lot, but some of it needs throwing out.
Today, alone, I've thrown out 7 big bin bags of clothes alone. Most of them unworn and with the label still in them from the shop. I haven't even started on the little trinkets and pretty pointless things I have that I should really get rid of too.
When he gets here, I'll also be moving rooms. Since my sister moved out I always planned to move into her old room as it is far bigger than my current one. Only problem is, having a 4 month old baby and being depressed about not fitting into her old clothes has stopped her moving her stuff out. Somehow I need to move my stuff in there, her stuff in here and decorate in between.
I have a proper week off in 2 weeks, hopefully it'll get done then!
I came back last night from 12 days of absolute heaven with the Mr. My bed was cold.
We did normal things, like normal couples. We shared a house, we shared a bed, we shopped, cooked, cleaned, did laundry together. We went to the movies. We walked hand in hand and sneaked kisses at red lights. It was perfect.
I miss him. But at least I know he'll be here for Christmas.
3 months to go.
Then a wedding to plan for next summer.
I have until Thursday to complete them, have them ready for proof reading, and hope I don't have to make many changes.
I've averaged about 2-5 a day. I have 32 kids in my class and right now Im a little brain dead.
Some days I can do 5 easily. Other days, like today, it's taken me the whole day to write 3.
Ive started to copy and paste. I really cannot be bothered anymore. I don't see the point of them anyway, it's not like I don't tell the parents what I think about their child throughout the year. I do it all the time.
Ah well, no more wedding/shoe/holiday shopping can be done.
Pray I finish these tonight.
I came home to an atmosphere. I knocked on the door and waited ages for someone to answer. By the time my mum got there I had already found my keys.
I could tell she was upset about something. She kept asking if the noise I made was my sister. Took me a while to convince her it was me.
My sister came downstairs, slowly. She didn't say anything, didn't smile.
Turns out, with 8 days to go until the baby is due, her bf wants them to move their bed to their flat tonight. Regardless of the fact that he can't drive and would take three of us to move it, and the mattress. Dad's been at work all day, I've been at work all day. I have 12 reports to write and plan for the next few weeks too.
But no. He wants their bed moved tonight so his mum can see them in their new flat when she visits tomorrow... another unexpected visit, all the way from Ireland, for three days, just to say hi.
I can't take much more of this. Im going to hide in my bed all night.
I'v been off making pretty pictures ;)http://dtnxcm8riygf3.cloudfront.net/instacanvas/gfx/now_open_promo_612x612.png
After I met T on here, I kind of felt that I couldn't. This was where we met, something special, if a little odd, for the both of us.
I don't approve or agree with a lot of things that EP admin do. I know this is the internet, and once I publish my views, thoughts, images, on their site, it no longer belongs to me. I don't like the idea of them having any part of me.
Maybe my time on here has run it's course, but I find less and less reasons to log on here anymore. It's partly to do with some of you who might bother to read this, it's partly to do with other things. I don't idolise EP like some of you do/have done. It's just been a vessel for my public breakdowns, angst, depression and love.
If you want to bother, there are a few who know how to contact me. But Im not holding my breath over it.
I've spent the best part of the morning clearing out her room. I told her I was going to do it, it needed doing. I don't get the clean freak gene from my family, which adds to my youthful suspicions that I was adopted. (All lies, I just like cleaning) Sadly, it got the point where I went too far...and now I've had to cancel fixing my phone because I wont leave the house until her room is finished.
Mum is a collector, or rather one of those people who doesn't throw anything away. Whereas me... Im a "well I haven't worn it in three months, bin it" type of person. I had a goal, to reach the window seal box (it's a hinged seat with storage) and I got there. Now mum is putting everything back.
She threw me out of the room, mostly because I was bitching about how cold it was, and a little bit because I was making more mess.
I've had one of those, I was only trying to be helpful mornings, but it needed to be done. Dust bunnies don't stand a chance with me.
It's not about me being good at it. It's not about the stability or the loooooooooooooong crappy hours. It's about me packing it in to do something creative. Im stifled.
I want to take pictures of beautiful things. I want to draw and paint and make weird and wonderful sculptures.
I can't do that at work.
It's not where I am, I love it there. It's def not the kids because they're awesome. It's what I do. And teaching art just ain't cutting it for me.
I don't really know who Im writing this too, but here it is.
This place drains me. There isn't much left in me to be honest. It's finally getting to me, that my work life has no work/life balance and Im not sure how I can fix it. With everyone freaking out about the new OFSTED inspections etc... work is putting the pressure on big time.
Last week we had an art inspection. After 6 months of telling my manager that the last lady in charge of art left nothing for me to work on, she finally believed me. But I then had to make up 4 years worth of assessments and assess the whole school in two days.
As I said, Im tired.
On Tuesday I have a lesson observation. My last two were awful so there's a lot riding on this one. I've never taught 'reading' before and no one has ever shown me, even when I've asked. I don't like my job at the moment, in fact, I hate it.
On Friday morning, from 8am until 9.30am, I had a meeting with the carer of one of my kids. I hardly said two words, she just needed someone to talk to. I was exhausted afterwards. However, I had to talk to the older sister of one my boy's as she told me that their mum has cancer.
Im not even going to go into what's going on at home, just Im really really sad....(mr and the Mr however are perfectly happy :D)
So, I won't be around much, just leave me a message because I do log in to check messages once in a while and do respond.
Just please don't hound me if I don't reply straight away.
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I love the work of Dangersouly Dolly. For a while, I used her photos for my avis as well as inspiration for my own work. I added her on facebook, and although I never talked to her, it was great to see the inside of her mind.
Or so I thought.
It's just constant drama. I thought you guys on here were bad... She's like a spoilt brat. Hating that people copy her, that she would never ever copy anyone else, blah blah blah blah.
I unfriended her, I took her off the list. But kept her professional page still there.
It's just as bad.
She makes herself look pretty silly.
I guess in this case, it's the models that make the art and not the photographer.
I told my TA that two of us, who are both turning 30 this year, were going to see Wicked.
That was a week ago.
I said I didn't want to do anything big, just a few of us.
My birthday is April, Nikki, the other lady, her birthday is in February. We were thinking March/Easter time would be nice to do this.
So... fast forward to this morning.
60 tickets have been provisionally booked, so the whole school, everyone, including people I really don't want to celebrate my birthday with, can go see Wicked on the 21st June. My sister's due date.
The woman who booked the tickets, on telling her that it's my sister's due date and that seeing as this was birthday thing, wouldn't really be able to make the date.
Her response, well, your sister might not give birth that day.
So now, everyone's going to see Wicked but me.
I get what it's like to be depressed. I get that there are times all I want to do is hide and not talk to anyone.
But I've never, ever let it affect my family.
My uncle is going through a 'phase' again. Before Christmas we didn't hear from him for months. He ignored calls, knocks on the door. Everything.
Then Christmas Eve, Dad went to see him and he managed to invite him round for the day.
We had a call from the local authorities, as Dad's his only next of kin, on Christmas Eve. Apparently he hasn't paid his rent for the last 3 months. The next stage is court.
We'll probably have to bail him out. He's been ignoring letters, calls, visits.
I can't feel sorry for him. I know it's bad, but he's done this his whole life. You can only blame your 'illness' so much.
And if he does get thrown out of his flat, he has nowhere to live. Maybe this is the wake up call he needs. I hope so anyway.
In 6 weeks time, on the 11th of February, I land in Oklahoma. I get to spend a week with DU.
Since I've booked the ticket, I've felt nothing but happy and anxious. I've got all the what if's going through my head, but the biggest anxiety pressure is I have no idea how to tell my parents. Mum in particular. You guys all know what my family are like, you all know what my Mum is like. I love her to pieces, but I know this won't go down well.
Everyone keeps telling me it's time to live my life for myself, and yes, at nearly 30 years old, I should have done this a long time ago. It's hard though. Having this weird kind of freedom. On one hand I don't know quite what to do, because as much as I want to just move in with DU and spend the rest of my life with him, there's also the whole different countries thing as a huge spanner in the works. I keep thinking to myself, and this is mean, it's ok, A got pregnant, sure you'll be fine to go to America to stay with a man no one else knows.
I can play it two ways. I do have a friend that has recently moved over there and can do the whole, Im staying with W, I'll be fine. Or I could just bite the bullet and say it. I nearly did last night, the ticket is staring at me every time I sit on my bed.
I have no idea why Im scared. It's my time to be happy and Im doing something about it. Just never had the chance to before and this is a little scary.
With all the waiting for others to be happy, and getting the courage to tell people Im tired of it and it's my time, Im back to waiting again.
I want to do so much, I had planned to do so much, next year. My 30th was going to be a week long celebration on an island in the Med somewhere, followed by a few weeks somewhere amazing in the summer.
Now it's looking after Dad after his operation and helping my sister with the baby in the summer.
I know I sound selfish and believe me I still feel guilty for even thinking about being upset over this. Im just frustrated.
Every birthday, for as long as I can remember, something has happened that makes the day a little less special for me. That line in itself sounds like something out of a proper little princess' diary. But for at least the last 10 years, possibly longer, shit has happened on my birthday.
People being hospitalized.
I'm going to stop there.
My 18th went by event-less. My Dad's mum on the brink of death.
My 21st weny by sober. My Dad was in hospital after his hernia operation went septic.
My 30th...who knows. But any plans can't be made because more than likely Dad's having his hip replacement during that time.
That's 3 major birthdays. My 16th, no one turned up because they thought everyone else was turning up.
Im not even going to mention the birthdays in between. This whole blog has just made me depressed.
For some inane reasons, they decided to take photos of all the staff at school and display them in the reception area of the school.
Thankfully, my photo is nice, in fact, most of them are.
Apart from one.
My friend told me I think it looks bad because I actually hate this woman - she caused me nothing but stress last year because her son who was in my class, got told off... anywho.. she looks like a man in drag.
Not even a good drag, but those who dress up as a woman for a random night out.
That's what she looks like.
And as high and mighty as she thinks she is...
...she's always going to look like a man.
Previous PostsIt's almost summer..., posted March 17th, 2013
Too much negativity makes me sick, posted February 3rd, 2013, 3 comments
So..., posted December 3rd, 2012, 3 comments
Nesting, posted October 18th, 2012, 9 comments
Epic, posted October 6th, 2012, 3 comments
I hate saying goodbye, posted August 29th, 2012, 9 comments
The one thing I despise about teaching...., posted June 16th, 2012, 3 comments
Fuasdas, posted June 13th, 2012
Do it!, posted June 3rd, 2012, 1 comment
I said I wouldn't ever leave this place, posted April 13th, 2012, 4 comments
So I threw most of my mum's clothes out, posted April 10th, 2012, 1 comment
I don't want to be a teacher anymore, posted March 6th, 2012, 4 comments
Keep me posted, posted March 4th, 2012, 2 comments
Is this too harsh? I sent this email to the **** earlier today..., posted January 31st, 2012, 10 comments
meh., posted January 29th, 2012, 1 comment
My birthday, posted January 20th, 2012, 1 comment
Depression, posted January 4th, 2012, 1 comment
Im bad for my own health, posted January 3rd, 2012, 12 comments
blah., posted December 17th, 2011, 12 comments
The woman in drag, posted December 2nd, 2011
Hmmm..maybe I'll be held accountable tomorrow..., posted November 27th, 2011
Cinderella syndrome, posted November 20th, 2011, 4 comments
Breathe in......................, posted November 17th, 2011
Im marrying a proper redneck, posted October 30th, 2011, 3 comments
Hmmmm..., posted October 27th, 2011, 2 comments
Im really frustrated, posted October 26th, 2011, 1 comment
Im not sure how to feel, posted October 24th, 2011, 3 comments
If I was paid for overtime.., posted October 17th, 2011, 4 comments
A little big of plugging..., posted October 15th, 2011, 4 comments
I had a lovely day today, posted October 14th, 2011, 24 comments
**deeeeeeeeeeeeeeep sigh**, posted October 8th, 2011, 10 comments
A funny way to end a crazy week..., posted October 7th, 2011, 3 comments
I want Kitsune as my TA, posted August 30th, 2011, 5 comments
My broken family, posted August 29th, 2011, 8 comments
Eating disorder/Food obsession, posted August 28th, 2011, 13 comments
Is it funny cos she's fat or because it's a bad dance?, posted August 13th, 2011, 2 comments
She photoshopped her face onto another body, posted August 13th, 2011, 9 comments
I guess some of these kind of sum things up...., posted August 10th, 2011, 4 comments
And on the seventh day....we rest, posted July 24th, 2011, 5 comments
For MyGirlBill, posted July 19th, 2011, 2 comments
For giggles :D, posted July 18th, 2011, 7 comments
From Charlie!, posted July 3rd, 2011, 2 comments
Im in agony!, posted June 17th, 2011, 12 comments
7 more to go...., posted June 16th, 2011, 2 comments
tuts my buddeh, posted June 13th, 2011, 10 comments
An unexpected friendship, posted June 13th, 2011, 3 comments
Another blog to go unread, posted May 29th, 2011, 35 comments
The problem with children is their parents, posted May 11th, 2011, 15 comments
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn, posted May 3rd, 2011, 6 comments
Thank you, IamWeasel, MTVLM, Troubleshooter and the other few..., posted April 30th, 2011, 15 comments
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